I rather dislike threads where everyone repeats the same sentiment (eg. "Happy birthday Internet Poster #1337!") so here's my contribution to the New Years thread.
DISCRIMINATION - AN IMPORTANT PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST?
(Serially monsterous behavior from Monster Cereals)
BOSTON, Mass (AP) - Everyone has enjoyed the charms of General Mills' Monster Cereal line up. Booberry, Franken Berry, and oh course Count Chocula - this trio of lovable characters has transcended the world of commerce and earned a place in beloved popular culture. Yet all is not as sickeningly sweet as these cartoon creatures would have us believe...
What about the
other monster cereal characters?!?? The ones that didn't... quite
fit in?
Case #1
Fruit Brute
Introduced shortly after the main trio, Brute was GM's first attempt at introducing a delicious fruit flavored cereal to compliment their existing offerings. Yet despite the addition of a proven formula of multi fruit flavoring Brute failed to catch on and was ultimately discontinued in the early 1980's
Case #2
Fruity Yummy Mummy
Some five years after the demise of Fruit Brute GM tried to resurrect its fruit flavored Monster Cereal with Fruity Yummy Mummy. It came as a surprise to no one when FYM was summarily canceled a mere five years later.
So the question is: why did the fruit flavored Monster Cereal characters fail? Surely it couldn't be due to lack of interest in fruit flavored cereal - classic offerings such as Trix and Fruit Loops enjoy continued success to this very day.
Could it be that the GM fruit cereals were lacking? This too seems unlikely considering the fact that the brand still manages to convince stupid children to buy god awful strawberry and blueberry flavored crap that is admittedly disgusting (see attached lyrics from
"They Never Gave Boo-berry A Chance" by Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy.)
A.L.E. wrote:"Oh, and I'm not leaving you out Frankenberry! I would rather drink my own piss than eat your pathetic pink cereal!"
So what caused the failure of Brute and Mummy?
The answer is
DISCRIMINATION
Confidential sources within the industry reveal that Fruit Brute's reception suffered from the fact he was labeled as a 'brute'. Mid 80's America was a kinder, gentler place and simply was not ready for a potentially blood thirsty cereal mascot.
The matter was not helped by persistent rumors that the marshmallows in Brute's cereal were really lumps of cartilage ripped straight from individuals the mascot sexually assaulted and murdered. Ultimately blacklisted due to the very image GM created for him, Fruit Brute was last seen in a series of softcore 'furry' videos before falling completely off the public radar.
The fact that GM decided to abandon Fruit Brute when reintroducing the exact same cereal just stands as definitive proof that Fruit Brute's image was tarnished beyond repair. However, the public reception of Fruity Yummy Mummy was even worse - albeit for different reasons. The unfortunate utilization of the term 'Fruity' lead many to believe that the Mummy in question was, in fact, homosexual (a theory not helped by the secondary description of "Yummy"). Simply put, a largely homophobic society ostracized the Yummy Mummy and lead directly to GM ending his short lived stint in the public eye.
When reached for comment none of the "Unholy Trinity" (nor their respective agents) would return our calls. In today's day and age it's disturbing to see honest hard working individuals discriminated against simply for being
who they are - it should make no difference if that individual is a harried salaryman or a blood thirsty werewolf. Hopefully we as a society have come far enough to learn from our mistakes and not turn our back on the next alternative lifestyle cereal that comes our way.
NEXT WEEK: The shocking connection between Mr. T cereal and ET cereal! (and it's not just the inclusion of T shaped pieces...)
k it's 11:12PM here
May 2008 become a year full of win and lulz.